Marin's Birthday & Labor Story
It's been a little over a week now since we welcomed our darling baby girl into the world. I can't say it's anything like I imagined it would be. The labor itself was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do both physically, mentally and emotionally. Being a mom has been an explosion of emotions filled with love, frustration and awe. No amount of research, stories or classes could ever have prepared me for becoming a mother.
The labor story begins on Saturday July 14th at 6 AM. I had been having some infrequent Braxton Hicks contractions the night before. We had actually had two of our friends over for dinner, and they are also expecting a little baby boy soon! That night I slept very poorly and woke up at least 5 times to the contractions or going to the bathroom. Finally, at 6 AM, I woke Cliffton up and told him something didn't feel right. My Braxton Hicks had never felt like they did at that moment. They were more intense. I went to the bathroom one more time and saw my mucus plug had fallen out and there was blood. I started crying from shock and Cliffton urged me to call the doctor. I called our doctor (Dr. Soufi wasn't on call that weekend, but Dr. Sun was. Dr. Sun is another OBGYN at the office and I liked her just as much as our doctor). Dr. Sun was very calming and encouraging and told us to come to the hospital once contractions were 5 minutes apart. Cliffton and I started timing. I sat on the yoga ball and bounced around trying to calm myself down. I was supposed to go into work that day and was in denial about the whole thing. I certainly didn't want to be one of those people that go to the hospital for false labor only to be embarrassingly sent back home.
For the next hour 7-8 AM the contractions picked up and were in fact 5-6 minutes apart. We decided better to be safe than have the baby on the road and packed up the car to go. We got to the hospital and were greeted by a condescending older nurse who checked my dilation and said my cervix was still closed and that I was in false labor. Feeling foolish and dejected I was all set to go back home and admit we were wrong. Dr. Sun then came in to check on things and told us to wait a little, for we could certainly just be in very early labor. It would be difficult to tell how quickly things would progress. At around 12 PM (a couple hours after my first check) another nurse came in, this time very sweet and young one, and she told me I was about a fingertip dilated (1/2 cm). They told us it was up to us whether we wanted to stay at the hospital or labor at home. We decided to stay a couple more hours to see if my labor would start picking up. If it was the same, we would go home. Frustratingly enough by 2 PM I was around 1 cm dilated. It was just barely making progress. Cliffton and I decided that we wanted to stay to be safe and Dr. Sun agreed with us the labor could be much faster than we anticipated. Around 3 PM the contractions started getting more intense. They were still bearable, but they definitely couldn't be ignored. I think Cliffton asked me my pain level 1-10 and I said somewhere around a 5 or 6? By 6 PM the same young nurse came to check in on us and she said we were still at 1 cm dilated, but my cervix was 70% effaced. She reached further up and told me she would strip my membrane a little to get things going. Every cervical check, was extremely painful, but that one was probably the worst and left me with tears streaming down my face.
At 9:30 PM we had been there a frustrating 13 hours and still weren't getting anywhere. I was checked again and was about 2 cm dilated according to Dr. Sun. Finally, shortly after that check my water broke. I felt two gushes of water while laying in the bed. And my water continued to break through the night.
At 12 PM the labor started becoming extremely intense. The pain felt like a steal ball expanding in my uterus. The pain was nothing like I've experienced before. Although it was tempting, I turned down the morphine because I didn't want to effect our baby girl and I didn't want the epidural too soon either. I wanted to be in active labor before having an epidural so I wouldn't stall the labor (which was already crawling at a snails pace). Between 12 PM and 6 AM I endured the pain and Cliffton was by my side the whole time coaching and comforting me. I alternated in between laying down in the bed, walking up and down in the room, leaning over a chair, bouncing on the yoga ball. Each wave of contractions hit me almost like an electric shock. I truly couldn't have done it without Cliffton's support. I would likely have caved in to the drugs.
At 6 AM, a whole 24 hours after my labor initially began, I was checked again by Dr. Sun and she said I was over 3 cm dilated and if I wanted to I should get the epidural since active labor had started. Contractions were a maddening 2-3 minutes apart. Once I got the epidural I was able to sleep somewhat peacefully for a few hours, but unfortunately it stalled out my labor (which I predicted would happen). To counter this they told me they would give me a small dose of pitocin. I had originally been very against pitocin since I heard it increases your chance of c-section to 50%. But at this point we were 24+ hours in and I was exhausted and delirious so I consented. They administered the pitocin and I finally tried to settle down for a nap. The epidural was so strange. I had much more control of my legs than I imagined. I could still feel the sensation of pressure but there wasn't any pain. At 9 AM they checked me again and said I was happily 5 cm dilated. I hoped to be holding my baby girl in my arms by the afternoon. At 11 PM they checked me again and in surprise exclaimed that I was almost ready to push! They could feel baby girl's head and I was about 9 cm dilated. They warned me there was some meconium (she had a bowel movement in the tummy) so there was a little bit of a risk of her swallowing it but they would be extra careful. At noon, I felt the need to push. Dr. Sun came in and told me I had a little bit of a fever 101.9, and likely the baby had it too. She was concerned but still allowed me to push. I was determined to deliver my baby. I bared down with all the strength I had left. Dr. Sun was encouraging and she said baby's head was coming down great with each push. I noticed all the while though Dr. Sun and the nurses looking at the monitor with concern and they starting to talk amongst themselves. Dr. Sun left the room for a bit, and I remember her coming back and sitting at the edge of my bed to deliver the worst news we had received the whole labor: Baby's heart rate and mine were skyrocketing at each push. Baby's was 210 and mine was around 180. She feared that the baby would go into distress if I continued to push much longer. It had already been 1 hour, and at this time she was recommending a c-section. Dr. Sun left Cliffton and I to discuss. But I don't remember discussing anything. I couldn't believe it. A c-section wasn't in the plan for me! It was above all things, the one thing I was most afraid of in labor. I was hoping to avoid it at all costs. The words didn't sink in, and I kept pushing harder. Surely it would all be fine. I would still push her out. I was so sure she would come out any minute. Suddenly, half a dozen people rushed into the room, I was ordered to stop pushing, and to sign something. Cliffton was told to gather all of our things up and I was rushed and wheeled away to the surgery room. I remember being introduced to one of the nurses or maybe anesthesiologists and I broke down crying. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I saw panic in Cliffton's eyes as he raced around the room grabbing our duffles and backpacks. Before they started wheeling me away Cliffton leaned over me and stroked my head and said some encouraging words. I can't quite remember what they were but it was something like, "You're going to be just fine, I'm right here. This is just like the surgery I got when I was younger on my leg. You can do this". While they prepped me for surgery it finally started to sink in that this was happening, but soon I would get to meet my daughter. Cliffton finally was able to join me and he sat right by my face and stroked my hair. I felt a lot of tugging and pulling around my stomach, and before I knew it I heard a weak little cry and Dr. Sun saying "why hello there". They lifted her up over the curtain and I saw our tiny little baby with a head full of wild black hair and a sweet pink face. I thought in that moment she was so perfect and pure. I looked over towards Cliffton and saw him wipe tears from his eyes. I have never seen him cry in all 9 years of knowing him. They rushed her over to clean her up and Cliffton followed.
Marin Victoria Goh was born July 15th, 2018 at 1:52 PM. She weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces and was 19.25 inches. We ended up staying at the hospital for a total of 6 days for my recovery, and also Marin had a mild case of Jaundice. The pain of the c-section incision wasn't bad. It was only slightly gory and difficult the first day or so. The worst pain was honestly when they had me walk to the bathroom on the first day. I didn't think I could do it. Now at about 10 days post pardum I feel almost like myself again, albeit very sleep deprived and slightly emotional. Parenthood is vastly more difficult than I could have ever imagine; the sleep deprivation, as well as the guilt and shame with not living up to the image of what I feel a perfect mother should be. Every parent says this, but it's truly all worth it. Even though the pain and the anxiety were sometimes consuming, not only did I discover a new love for my daughter, but I feel like I've discovered a new love for my husband. Cliffton has been an amazing partner and source of strength through it all. Watching him with our daughter brings me so much happiness.
I wish I could say I want to freeze these moments and keep her small and tiny forever. But, I feel eager to see whats next. I can't wait to see who she will become, and how our family will evolve and change. I know that I'll look back at it all in a few years time with fondness and morn the time past. But for now I'll just live in the moment and snuggle my baby girl while she's still squishy and soft.
